listening to silence

part of me just wants to cry at all the shit I have to memorize

part of me just wants to give up

and part of me is pissed off

how did I get myself in this situation again......

I am oddly sad

not really for a reason except that maybe I will miss this city

SF really is home - there isn't much for me in LA now I basically have to create it and really I have to practice law in California for a while so here is where I shall be.....still.....

I love this city

if only my cats were here or a job or some way to stay

I really feel a peace being here

last night:

morning of my bar exam I wake up and aliens have taken over the world

most of humanity is dead

I go to the testing site and the aliens are telling me that I can just become a lawyer as most of them are dead now and I am like

HELL NO YOU WILL LET ME TAKE THIS TEST I STUDIED FOR MONTHS

GIVE ME THE TEST

I woke up laughing at myself

I think I scared the aliens

:)

last night I ordered a pizza to the big ol housesitting gig here in marin

it was a reward for getting throught he property dvds - which yes is as boring as it sounds

I am here watchng mazzy - a rescue golden lab who is really quite sweet however she doesn't like many people

OK she really doesnt like anyone except me and maybe her mom....really

the pizza guy comes and I close the door to protect him from mazzy - well I didn't want to lock myself out so the door was not latched

mazzy nosed open the door and lunges all kudjo at the pizza dude

I yell NO in my auto alpha/dominant/top voice

mazzy stopped in her tracks and looked at me

IN THE HOUSE

mazzy sheepishly returnes to house

pizza guy saved - though he might have wet himself

ps the pizza was quite good....of course no tomatoes

interesting......

a friend posted that most straight men dont view homosexual relationships are valid or real so they don't feel that they are violating anything if they hit on a partner etc

really

are they THAT fucked up?

not that I hold them great esteem, but if that is true, they get lowered even further on my scale....

the children upstairs - that DO NOT live here - need to go home before I kill them or their ineffective parental units

not your home.....how could you possibly allow them to run about and create as much noise as they are....really I have heard rock shows that were quieter

I would go to the park but WHY SHOULD I HAVE TO LEAVE MY HOME TO STUDY?????

REALLY people
control your children

and you EXPECT a 4 year old t watch a 2 year old.....WTF

only stupid people seem to be breeding

::sigh::

PS Portia has hissed at these children repetitively (yes they are allowing them to run up and down the stairs and into my GATED patio) and she normally likes children, unlike the rest of my furbabies

I have graduated law school
and I would be partying in the streets if it weren't for this thing called the bar....
oh well time enough for that in 2 months after the test

my friend are wonderful coming from far and wide to witness this accomplishment
so I made sure to make them all cry with my speech

:)

yes I gave one of those speeches. Thanking everyone telling a story making sure all felt included - hell I had people who didn't know me crying

the graduation itself was as unorganized and poorly planned as I thought it would be cuz they wouldn't let Tristan and I help....

those lazy power plays at the end never really work

but I was told that once I left the entire place cleared out very quickly
not that I was the only reason people were there but I did have the largest group there

and really the dinner afterward was more important to me

now study study study

I am almost done with law school.....I have one paper and one 'bill" to write and it shall all be over

then will come the studying for the bar and the clusterfuck graduation party.....not that I shal stop studying for the bar after the graduation....

(currently I have the lovely assistance of a 25 pound purring pooter in my typing - I don't think she understands that pinning one arm down does not help me write)

I am filled with relief that this little marathon jaunt is over and I am quite ready to get on with the business of starting Legal Action Basics - infact there in a website that I "built" just add .org

and there is shifttojoy.org

yes busy busy busy

and can I just say I am tired

really really tired

I am sure I shall get the energy back some time
but right now I would just like to swim in a pool of coffee (that might be the only way to get me to swim short of tossing me off a boat)

heehee

coffee pool - yes I have some twisted fantasies

sleep now

working on my final for poverty law and hit the jackpot of forms so I cut my work time in half at least!
woo! that means I go to party instead of sitting at home working on a saturday night

like a law student

heehee

I had a great discussion last night during my softball game (where they wouldn't pitch to me btw....do I look like ichiro? well I did have two web gems...) about how it really is proper for an attorney to wear sleeves in court so my tattoos aren't really an issue in this career

especially as I am not looking for some corporation to hire me

:)

relief that school is almost over!

now back to collecting things for the final

sometimes a day just goes right.......

so I am at the end of this marathon called law school

just two classes left - one will be done next week and the other by the end of the month.

my graduating class all 7 of us are quite different.....the scary thing is I am the practical sane one out of the group

yes be afraid, be very afraid!

we have a hippy dreamer chick, a frozen by her shadow can't move indecisive chick, a progressive processing PC bullshitter that DOES nothing, a whiny baby who complains that he isn't being treated 'fairly" no matter what is done, and two hippy dudes

and me

the punk rock pacifist

yep that is my new title.....I am a pacifist as long as you don't fuck with me or mine, then I'll try to talk some sense into you and if that doesn't work....

well then I just have to kick your ass.

nothing personal

anyway they are having a hippy graduation and it is not what I want to do or waht I signed up for
the best part is none of them have done ANY event planning and so they ask me how to do it

and when I tell them

wait for it

they say they don't want to do it that way.....

why even waste my time?

so I am tired of their games

I just want to be done with this part so I can move on to the next thing which is the nonprofit after the detail of the bar.......

yes it will get better and actually I see this as better it is really just that these people frustrate me as all they want to do is talk about doing something and not actually doing the work

pet peeve of mine

yes I got it yesterday and it doesn't even hurt




I have been really calm since getting it yesterday

which is a good thing

da pooter is sitting by me and purring up a storm

oh yes it is good to be me

coming back to LA made me grumpy

it is not only the smog, traffic and general selfcenteredness of LA it is also my classmates being stupid about our graduation (they have no event planning skills but won't listen to those of us who do)

and my roommate whose idea of cleaning is pushing her beer tops under the chair.

so hot weather and a trashed apartment

grumpy punkin

it has cooled noticeably today and there is the lovely board meeting at PCL tonight

on a positive note

I am rearranging my room to make it more study friendly as there is no other space in the apartment to work

I have moved the BIG piece of furniture and vacuumed the area so now it is just about replacing stuff cleaning and focusing

somehow I banged my ankle yesterday and it HURTS and has a huge bruise
WTF

it isn't like I was drinking
I went to the trader joes
spent half of what I made this weekend but at least there will be tp in the house for at least a week
(I think S eats the TP, though she uses so much of it she admits to flushing twice as to not clog the toilet....now that is just sad that you can't touch yourself while going tothe bathroom....talk about body issues!!!)

but I digress and it is time to do more work on the room

You Are a Lynx

You are a quiet observer of the world around you. Your wisdom comes from listening carefully. You've always been extra sensitive and aware. And it's made it difficult for you to fit in. You see past people's outward personas. You are able to penetrate a stranger's soul. What you've learned about people is both beautiful and ugly. And you keep these secrets to yourself.

for those of you who don't know I have a very "confusing" genealogy.....well more like a Nancy Drew Novel past

I "knew" who my bio mother was, but I spent the last 30 years or so trying in vain to get someone to admit that this was so

Tonight t finally told me the truth

with the news that Betty Mae was dead



the kicker being that Betty Mae was asking for me all week as she dies and no one would contact me for me to come see her

OK well t would contact me to go see her

fuck

I can not really communicate the rage that I am feeling or the grief

she was asking for me last week on her death bed and t refused to call me

what we sow when such a lie is perpetrated for so long

all I can say is screen play number 5.....maybe some good can come of this.....

had to go to the bank to get quarters.....

that sort of laundry that is really outside my normal routine
yes I do my laundry every week usually two loads as there is only me and I don't believe in washing everything I had on for 2 seconds

therefore I have reasonable laundry most weeks

the fun part is portia helping
she walks to the laundry room with me
sits on the dryer as I sort
even occasionally looks in the washer to make sure I haven't mistakenly put a color in with the whites or vise versa

she is very conscientious

then she runs back with me but leave before I go inside
she likes to sun herself on the steps

when I change the laundry over she comes to help most of the time unless there is a particularly good sun beam working at that moment
then she'll trust me to work on my own

so much help!

cleaned the house
washed the pooter
brushed the cats

cleaned the alter

yes I am home again

alone at least for awhile

I do with S wasn't a teenage boy in a 50 year old women's body
but then again

one can only ask for so much

animals are happy

dinner with M later

now if bella could stop being a freak I might get some
HOMEWORK
done

it is still the same

the energy is still there: just as intense as ever

she corrected me it has been 22 years, she kept track, of course
I need not remind myself of the time it just wears on my soul like a to do list of impossible tasks

how do you reconcile this type of love and the choice of the one you love to live in straight society because she can't be "female, black and gay in this country"

I understand, and it breaks me

I understand the fear for me, for our lives
after all it wasn't as if we could hide

our love was like a torch that lit the night sky for miles: everyone could see it even the most ignorant person, even those in denial - like her mother
if they saw us together they knew the passion between us, the pure unconditional love between us

and it seemed to anger some
maybe because they had never known it
maybe because they choose to ignore their own hearts
maybe because of who we are

but it scared her too much these random responses to our radiant love

she wanted to protect me

I have always charged ahead into the face of any prejudice, demanding a change, demanding an apology

she knew the danger, saw it as too great a risk
I saw the danger and felt no other choice

I am not brave I am driven

it is not something I think about, these slights and insults injure my soul
they raise my anger to a fevered pitch that must be spoke must be acted upon
I have no choice it would be like swallowing poison if it was left unsaid

and it drove her away

we both had to be who we are
even though it meant that we couldn't be together

still 20 years later and my heart races at the sight of her
it is the same for her

complete passion
unconditional love

soul mate

I know there are more than one soul mate for everyone, but once you open a connection to one of them it is quite overwhelming

we shall take it slow this new/old friendship
be gentle with each other
be what we are to each other with the limits of time and other relationships

it isn't easy not just taking her i my arms and kissing her
but it is 20 years later
my edge is tempered slightly by the battles with time

really slightly

and I am blessed to know such unconditional love

7am Car alarm goes off
730am Car alarm still going off
8am Car alarm FINALLY stops

810am Blow and go lawn boys startup
830am Done with lawn start blowers
9am blow and go guys making crude jokes while letting engine idle till I yell at them

910 construction workers begin next door working on the stairs

I get out of bed.
Now get this I was TRYING to sleep in after THREE finals this week very little sleep and staying up till 230am researching

but NOOOOOOOOOO

punkin grumpy