listening to silence

can make all the difference

I got a note yesterday from someone - we don't know each other that well yet, but just the affirmation was wonderful

it feels good to flirt, especially with a beautiful woman

very nice to have lightened my mood

so I didn't pass the bar - and I am sort of pissed about how I had to make that OK for certain other people

the upper class white boy that passed got really bent that I had posted that he was the only one that passed - well he is the only one that got the education that they want. He is the only one that speaks their language. You can't fake 15 years of education

I am annoyed and hurt - I feel judged by the bar not by the actual test for who I am in the world. It really is that their perspective values the white male upper class values and those certainly aren't my values. Not to mention that they SET the passage rate

41% they shouldn't be allowed to take people's money!

SO I have to begin studying again - which I hate - I feel like I am treading water and after 4 years of school the last thing I want to do again is study. However, people I respect very much have both told me something may fall from the sky for me.

interesting that they both said the same thing. OK one said something positive is going to drop from the sky the other said something positive is going to drop in your lap.

basically the same thing

within 24 hours of each other...

So I being the good witch I am toss the cards - first card to come up - the star, unexpected help form an unexpected quarter -

What am I going to meet Oprah, like in my dream last night

now that would be funny, I took Oprah to the Buddha and introduced her to my friend down the hill so they could produce a play together. And I told her about LAB and the Hope house and she was all aboard

anyway we met cuz her dog liked me - in the dream

but I am moving forward - this week I make the study plan and set up my space to work -
give myself space to grieve and then move on to the next phase of studying

i guess I really need to write this down to get it out of my system

my friend S did the uhaul thing with C her GF then of course in an incredibly heteronormative move they got "married" last summer (2008) with the full intent of making little lesbian raised babies

now I am not really agains lesbians raising babies - duh - it might be the only way to get rid of male privilege (but I know a few boys raised by lesbians and it didn't work....so......my theory is shot)

anyway they throw a big party - I mean wedding run off on a dyke cruise and come back to work on making babies - the expensive way

so a year later and they are happily preggers

well not really

seems C has decided to leave cuz the kid will get in the way of her important social life of softball and gay choir - and she didn't both to tell S while they were paying 6000 a pop for a packet of sperm

um WTF

oh and she didn't really want to get married and S forces everything on her

BTW I dated S and while I am no shrinking violet - S is a very reasonable person to deal with, in fact I would say that she is overly accommodating. She paid off C's student loans, credit card bills and has paid for the phone plan and car insurance on both her and C's car - all with the goal of getting married and having a kid

so now 4 months preggers you say something

REALLY

your worse than a straight dude cuz at least he probably didn't INTEND to get her pregnant

oh and the cherry on top

C wants part of the house - that S bought 3 years before they met!

so you want your ex lover to be a single mother with no house
can you say

ASSHOLE

it was with great reluctance that I have not been hiding body parts over several states.....

I really just can't believe how self centered and self absorbed some people are

there is something to be said about creating your own work

one - you'll always be employed

two - you can count always having something to do

something that I didn't expect is random people telling me how I should do my nonprofit, what I should do and how I am not seeing the big picture

um

if that is what you want to do go start your own program - don't tell me I have to do something your way

hello your not my boss

Why do I feel that if more people did what they are always telling other people to do the world would have a lot fewer issues. I was taught if you want something done - do it
Don't bitch about it, unless your willing to put your back, your time, your energy into changing it

Why do I have to fix YOUR issue - you fix your issue - I'll help if I can but guess what I am not here to make your life easier - I am not here to fix your issues - you are here to fix your issues - that is why they are YOUR issues

now that I have that off my chest

back to our regularly scheduled programing

I have sent out the first request for funding for LAB - WOOHOOO

of living in LA is that occasionally (ok every year 6 to 8 times a year) there are these award shows

EVERYTHING is stopped or slowed by the herds of rambling and racing limos of various colors and styles - there are streets closed traffic diverted and basically everything is mucked up

I was thinking of working on the buddha project today - however it is

A) HOT outside
B) Buddha means fighting the Emmy awards traffic
C) Dave is leaving the house for at least an hour.

So maybe tomorrow morning would be a better buddha time - especially if it means time in my house ALONE -

yes I have had a discussion with him about his perpetual presence - he thinks being on the porch is not being in the house.

no, not the same

I do think this experience is helping me understand that I am actually quite the introvert - I normally spend hours during the day alone - quite happily alone - I can and have spent days without so much as speaking to another person.

it isn't that I am shy - really I am not - I can be quite the performer - I love interacting with certain people and I LOVE my friends

but I also need my alone time - I am not at all upset at the thought of spending a night (weekend or not) alone - I look forward to stints where there is no one around me - including the doggy baby sitting gig where I can see and interact with absolutely no one for days

so the fact that dave has been here makes me realize that being an introvert really isn't the norm

humans are pack animals

but I am not

so tomorrow I will go to the buddha and today I will revel in my bit of alone time

I just feel like sitting and surfing the net

well not really, but it sounds good.....

really I am getting ready to make a list and walk to the bank
two initial letters for grants to write - way more people to contact about doing clinics
prep work for class on THursday and essays to find for the review next monday

all this and the landlords didn't pay the water bill so the city shut it off

good news - one day we don't have to pay rent
bad news - no running water

amazing how much we really take for granted once something is gone

very annoying and expensive to not be able to prep food in the house

oh and no flushing the toilet much less showering

these people are total losers (the landlords) -

I got up and played softball - the team lost but I hit a home run - speed of course with the grapefruits they call softballs here

then I went and worked on the buddha for an hours or so

afterward had a nice conversation with my mom

Home got a burger and watched FOOTBALL

Seahawks won YEAH

SF won very cool

now I am very tired and should just go to sleep but I keep wanting to stay up for absolutley no good reason

only punkin reasons

:)

and at least upper middle class

yes I am still on the Board at PCL which really isn't very stressful now that certain people have graduated - but occasionally we have our children and their pissy fits and when that happens I am asked to to moderate the chaos

for as much as I like to fight and kick deserving asses - most of my life I have been called on to mediate between adversarial parties from the play ground to the gay parade - this was really no different except I was dealing with two sides both clearly in the wrong from my humble point of view

irritating

first there is MB - applicant to PCL - his admission was denied - his solution try to strong arm the school by getting other upper class white men to write letters on his behalf and admonish PCL about not letting him in

When that didn't work he threatened to show up and attend classes. Sans admittance.

BTW he also stated on two occasions that he was "too smart for the school" and that the only reason he was going to attend was the low tuition. We are a private social justice institution. 1) We don't have to let anyone in 2) SOCIAL JUSTICE - you have none - you haven't done anything and you can't articulate what you would like to do for others. Ergo you don't qualify to get into PCL - you are not a student.

DO NOT SHOW UP ON THE FIRST DAY OF CLASS

Second there is the admissions committee that didn't want to deal with him so they refused to give him an interview and returned his check. Are you trying to make problems?

People just process everyone the same

I know he is an asshole - process his application - give him an interview - deny his admission - tell him how to appeal - let him appeal and deny him again

process followed no more MB

BUT NO - they didn't want to confront the issue so they created a bigger issue

and yes my readers he did show up today at the school with KM a PCL graduate that just loves to argue semantics and procedure -

My presence was requested as a Board member to inform Mr Burns that he was indeed not a student. (After the 100th time does it get clearer?)

SO let the chaos begin as MM and HE both lit into KM for being there - he LOVES confrontation so he was in heaven and they were bluffing so I just stepped between them and MM deflecting most of the energy. Calming the situation down until HE threatens to call the police. SO now THEY STAY UNTIL THE COPS GET THERE-

There was really no reason for the threat they were moving slowly away but of course once it was uttered KM refused to leave BECAUSE HE WANTED THEM TO CALL THE COPS SO HE COULD MAKE A BIGGER DEAL OUT OF THIS ISSUE

I was so pissed - why panic - you aren't in control of the situation I am and I am handling them
no they aren't RUNNING out of the building
they are being escorted out CALMLY until you joined in

my take on the whole thing:

1) MB is an ass who comes from privilege and is trying to bully himself into PCL - where he has no place
2) The admissions committee was wrong to not process his application
3) When you ask someone to handle a situation; let them

my wild buddha who helped me through studying for the bar is now at the stair clearing stage where I actually will need to get a baby pick ax to break through the packed dirt for the last 6 to 10 stairs.

I really should be doing before and after pictures but then I really suck at that sort of thing

my main motivation is that no one else is going to take care of the buddha - it has been there since 1907 people!

and I would really like my friends to be able to access it if they come to visit - it would be difficult for many of them but if I clear the stairs most everyone who can walk could get to see it

so the work goes on

Tomorrow I get to be the enforcer at PCL - seems we have someone who thinks they can force their way into law school

Yes I shall notify the police of the issue before I think he is going to show up

and why I am NOT surprised that he is a white dude -

can you say sense of entitlement

Patiently the cat hunts......

it is quite nice to be quiet

alone

and in
San Francisco

I was asked the silliest questions today - which I get asked frequently -

will you be OK alone for x amount of time (x usually being a week or so)

people I am the one who fantasies of going to the north of Norway and living in a cabin with no one around for 6 months but my cats

and a grocery store

hummmmm

I have never understood the NEED for other people. Don't get me wrong I like some humans. I even enjoy some people's company but I have never needed anyone else to be entertained - if you could hear the million miles per hour of this brain perhaps that would clarify my point - but anyway

I am connected to everything and everyone all the time - no I don't miss people really, but I can enjoy them

so more to the point is - if I want to be around people I shall find them to be around - they are herd animals and tend to clump

and they think I am a cute blond version of themselves so they even talk to me

silly creatures

three days billed as hell

maybe to these little babies who have never done anything

it was annoying but not hell - I have gone through far worse

and if I did well on the MBEs (fancy name for multiple choice) I will have passed

take that establishment

part of me just wants to cry at all the shit I have to memorize

part of me just wants to give up

and part of me is pissed off

how did I get myself in this situation again......

I am oddly sad

not really for a reason except that maybe I will miss this city

SF really is home - there isn't much for me in LA now I basically have to create it and really I have to practice law in California for a while so here is where I shall be.....still.....

I love this city

if only my cats were here or a job or some way to stay

I really feel a peace being here

last night:

morning of my bar exam I wake up and aliens have taken over the world

most of humanity is dead

I go to the testing site and the aliens are telling me that I can just become a lawyer as most of them are dead now and I am like

HELL NO YOU WILL LET ME TAKE THIS TEST I STUDIED FOR MONTHS

GIVE ME THE TEST

I woke up laughing at myself

I think I scared the aliens

:)

last night I ordered a pizza to the big ol housesitting gig here in marin

it was a reward for getting throught he property dvds - which yes is as boring as it sounds

I am here watchng mazzy - a rescue golden lab who is really quite sweet however she doesn't like many people

OK she really doesnt like anyone except me and maybe her mom....really

the pizza guy comes and I close the door to protect him from mazzy - well I didn't want to lock myself out so the door was not latched

mazzy nosed open the door and lunges all kudjo at the pizza dude

I yell NO in my auto alpha/dominant/top voice

mazzy stopped in her tracks and looked at me

IN THE HOUSE

mazzy sheepishly returnes to house

pizza guy saved - though he might have wet himself

ps the pizza was quite good....of course no tomatoes

interesting......

a friend posted that most straight men dont view homosexual relationships are valid or real so they don't feel that they are violating anything if they hit on a partner etc

really

are they THAT fucked up?

not that I hold them great esteem, but if that is true, they get lowered even further on my scale....

the children upstairs - that DO NOT live here - need to go home before I kill them or their ineffective parental units

not your home.....how could you possibly allow them to run about and create as much noise as they are....really I have heard rock shows that were quieter

I would go to the park but WHY SHOULD I HAVE TO LEAVE MY HOME TO STUDY?????

REALLY people
control your children

and you EXPECT a 4 year old t watch a 2 year old.....WTF

only stupid people seem to be breeding

::sigh::

PS Portia has hissed at these children repetitively (yes they are allowing them to run up and down the stairs and into my GATED patio) and she normally likes children, unlike the rest of my furbabies

I have graduated law school
and I would be partying in the streets if it weren't for this thing called the bar....
oh well time enough for that in 2 months after the test

my friend are wonderful coming from far and wide to witness this accomplishment
so I made sure to make them all cry with my speech

:)

yes I gave one of those speeches. Thanking everyone telling a story making sure all felt included - hell I had people who didn't know me crying

the graduation itself was as unorganized and poorly planned as I thought it would be cuz they wouldn't let Tristan and I help....

those lazy power plays at the end never really work

but I was told that once I left the entire place cleared out very quickly
not that I was the only reason people were there but I did have the largest group there

and really the dinner afterward was more important to me

now study study study

I am almost done with law school.....I have one paper and one 'bill" to write and it shall all be over

then will come the studying for the bar and the clusterfuck graduation party.....not that I shal stop studying for the bar after the graduation....

(currently I have the lovely assistance of a 25 pound purring pooter in my typing - I don't think she understands that pinning one arm down does not help me write)

I am filled with relief that this little marathon jaunt is over and I am quite ready to get on with the business of starting Legal Action Basics - infact there in a website that I "built" just add .org

and there is shifttojoy.org

yes busy busy busy

and can I just say I am tired

really really tired

I am sure I shall get the energy back some time
but right now I would just like to swim in a pool of coffee (that might be the only way to get me to swim short of tossing me off a boat)

heehee

coffee pool - yes I have some twisted fantasies

sleep now